‘write hard and clear about what hurts’. Ernest Hemingway.

There was a time, before fibro,  when I loved to write and kept a journal regularly - needless to say I have quite a few now, though not many recent ones - I still write about my days, bit it’s very hit and miss. I’m not sure why. 

Sometimes, I wonder if there was ever a time before fibro, but yes, there was,  and I know because my journals tell me so - they detail my days when my children were growing up, and the different jobs I was able to fit in with being a mum. They were busy days, but I was also dealing with unaddressed trauma and it was slowly taking its toll on me.  However, they say that a busy mind is a happier mind and it allowed me to shut out the things I didn’t want to see.  I guess, for some, having a blog is similar to keeping a journal and one that won’t be lost, and therefore, I must endeavor to add to it more regularly and detail my days - I might be glad of it one day.

Emotions were my prompt today and since having fibro, I seem to be more sensitive, more empathetic, in fact much more emotional all round. I often weep at the news, whether it be happy or sad, and occasionally at tv programs if I can relate to the topic.  I grew up in a household where you weren’t allowed to cry and you didn’t because you knew what the consequences would be.  Throughout my adulthood, I have still somehow managed to live with people who didn’t handle emotion,  and my tears have been silent ones.  

I’ve also been dealing with grief and wondered if that had a hand in the way I’m feeling.  However, my fibro has been unhappy and everything seems to take more of an effort than usual and I began to wonder if one problem was affecting the other.  

Fibromyalgia is such a complex illness and doesn’t even exist in my surgery and although a doctor at a different practice diagnosed me, he knew little about it and told me to look on the internet, which I did’t have access to at that time and a friend offered to look it up for me.  With that in mind, I did some reading up and it does seem a bit of a merry-go-round.

Fibromyalgia, we know, is linked to several mental health conditions, including anxiety, and borderline personality, but prolonged stress can develop anxiety and depression which are overlapping conditions in Fibromyalgia Syndrome and low mood increases the symptoms of fibro, of which there are many.

This struggle with emotions also takes its toll on me at night and I often wake up with palpitations and a nervous tummy, especially when I have a health, or family, problem. Luckily, that’s when my meditation can be of help and the breathing can have a calming effect sometimes.

I found the above quote online and wonder if he was right.  Should I be more clear and truthful about my symptoms when writing my blog.  The two together (emotions and fibro)  take a little handling, and although I’d like to be a little less sensitive, I am what life and its challenges have largely made me and sometimes, I am proud of that.

I remember when I was first diagnosed, I spoke to someone who had fibro ( a rare find then) and was hoping to start a support group a few villages away from me.  As much as the idea appealed to me, I was put off when she told me that I would have a lot more problems in coming years as more symptoms became clear.  I wanted to understand my condition, but fibro isn’t the same for everyone and I wanted to be positive about the future.  

I also have a very dear friend, who keeps telling me that as I get older, ageing will also bring more health problems - not quite what I want to hear, lol.

I know that it isn’t easy when you’re first diagnosed and for me, it was life changing and not in a good way, but it hasn’t stopped me living and there are good days and bad days.  On the good days I can laugh, and on the bad days, I can still laugh, by choice.  Someone else’s symptoms might not be my symptoms.  Some people carry on working with fibro, and some will not be well enough to work, as I wasn’t, but I began doing flexible voluntary hours and found another life.  That wasn’t easy either, but I’ve always had to accept the challenges life has thrown my way, and  this was another.  

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that after twenty five years of living with fibro, I’m still here and life is still good.  I’ve tried many different drugs, but decided to go down the alternative route. When I found myself struggling to get dressed, I tried acupuncture and it helped tremendously, though I still can’t zip up a dress! . I kept up my yoga, but just the postures that I could manage. I love nature, listening to music, dancing (?) round the house, singing, feeding the birds, and mostly keep myself to myself.   Oh, and stretching, though painful, really is a huge help. 

Mostly, be kind to yourself.

Namaste