My Life - My Fibro

It's New Year's Eve and I am sitting here alone, but not lonely. I have my memories and there are many- some good, some bad and I'm grateful for them. This one will not be in the 'good' list, as it is the first without my partner who passed away in September. It still doesn't seem possible that I'm never going to see him again, or hear his voice, or share a loving moment. We always thought that I would be the first to go, as I had health problems and he had never been ill. He looked after me. Where I found the strength from to look after him and sit by his bedside day after day, knowing that he was dying, I don't know, but someone was holding my hand. Watching him take his last breath, arranging the funeral, informing people - it was as if I was watching someone else - it couldn't be happening to me. I'm so grateful that I was able to look after him and be there for him, but I feel sad that he'll never be there for me again - no one will a...

That's how I felt about the fibro'. "count slowly from ten down to one"  the voice was telling me as I went into surgery for a biopsy - I don't remember reaching number one, but I woke up a few hours later with an extra illness. Of course, I wasn't aware of it straight away. How could I be? All I could think of, was getting home and, hopefully, back to work after a few days. It took four months of frustration and many tests, as I tried to understand why I was in so much pain; why I was so exhausted doing nothing; why I couldn't sleep; why I couldn't always concentrate;  before my doctor suggested I may have Fibromyalgia. That was eighteen years ago and I still don't understand it. There were so many things that could have contributed - trauma in childhood; an abusive marriage; needing to be perfect; working long hours; going through divorce - or maybe it was just the trauma of surgery. My consultant thought a lifetime of trauma which I hadn't ...

Today has been quite painful and movement difficult. not just the fibro, but a sprained muscle in my back which is making life more than a little uncomfortable. At present I am in my room with Sparkle (my cat), by my side; a candle burning and it's a moment of  bliss. Soon I'll have a spell of meditation, which I hope will help me to sleep and without the usual nightmares! Today has been fibromyalgia awareness day, chosen because it was the birth date of Florence Nightingale who also had fibromyalgia - or fibrosis as it was named then. My mum was diagnosed with it when she was a young woman and my family always thought that she exaggerated her health, as they do with me. They thought she was mad because the fibro, together with IBS meant that she didn't always attend functions and wasn't comfortable leaving the house always. It's sad that they think I'm as 'mad' as she was, because I suffer the same. When I was first diagnosed, It was difficult to...

The first thing I did this morning was to thank Sparkle (my cat), for letting me sleep, as she hasn't let me do  that for a while. I know that she wants to play, or wants some food, but I usually give her a cuddle and hope she's happy with that. She seems to be for about twenty minutes and then she begins again. I do try and pretend that I'm asleep, but she taps my face with her paw and then I give in! So, after several nights of this, I've been walking around like a zombie, so it is with relief, that she didn't make a sound until six thirty this morning. Thank you Sparkle, Thank you! A few hours sleep - wouldn't you think I'd be feeling quite refreshed and ready to greet the day - jumping out of bed?  But no! I still felt exhausted; my body still ached and is sore to touch. my eyes are tired and achey. I've been awake for an hour now and I still feel shattered! Another thing, is the number of dreams and nightmares that I have most nights. They are so ...

There are lots of quotes that remind us to think positively and it will make a difference, but it isn't always easy on the 'bad' days. Yesterday was a loo day!  After an unsettled night (that's another story), my tummy began to move at seven and I didn't venture far from my bathroom until twelve thirty - over five hours!  During that time, I told myself, as always, that I am so lucky to be stuck in this situation at home and not in hospital, as that would be unbearable;  I listened to some music; I sang in my head (voice has gone for the moment); smiled at my adorable cat; tried to read, but couldn't concentrate; hugged my bowl to my chest at every movement, in case I was sick; told myself some more how lucky I am :-)   Is that positive thinking? I began suffering with IBS at quite a young age and can remember, at the age of four, being embarrassed because I needed the loo more than most, at school and at home. At the age of six,I was being told what a ...

I really find it hard to believe that the last post I wrote was in October! A lot has happened since then and the time has flown. Moving house, Christmas and a winter bug that likes me a little too much! I don't know how others cope with their days, but I do know that Fibromyalgia affects us all in different ways. For me, the days just aren't long enough and that's not because my days are full of activities, but because it takes me a long while to fulfill the few jobs that I do accomplish in a day - everything takes longer, partly due to the pain, partly to the lack of energy. I'm still in the process of moving house and I need to be ruthless in deciding what I want to keep and what I can let go of - it isn't easy!  It's my life!  Which part do I hang on to and will I miss it if I let it go. There are things packed away in boxes that I haven't looked at in years, but they belonged to my parents and grandparents. There are cards that have been sent by frie...