My Life - My Fibro

 It’s six o’clock in the morning and I’m just finishing my first cup of coffee!  It still amazes me that I’m up at five thirty putting on the kettle! When I was working, I used to rise at six and take my wonderful collie for a walk before breakfast, but it was always a shock when my alarm woke me up so early. I worked full time then and my days were long - I still miss them though. It was also another night of having the strangest dreams, some of which stay with me all day. I don't know if that is a fibro problem or an anxiety problem and anxiety is my constant companion and has been for as long as I can remember - my earliest recollection being at the age of three. I wasn't diagnosed until I was twelve when it was given as the cause of my IBS, so it's no stranger to me. Since moving house, my anxiety has worsened and I feel sick, have panic attacks for no reason (or it seems) , and my coping techniques aren't helping. I've upped my meditation to three times a day, ...

 I remember a friend once saying to me "you're always in pain, but I never see you cry" and I told her that I did cry, but only when I was alone and that is still the case. It reminds me of the Everly Brothers song Crying in the Rain (yes, I am that old) - no one can tell you're crying then and I have done that. I've also done the above - told myself that I'll try again tomorrow, but I'm not sure that it's courage I'm feeling, but determination not let my illness win. I usually try and go to sleep with the thought in my head that tomorrow is another day.....but I like this quote and it does inspire me sometimes. In my last post, I spoke of my need for a warm soak to soothe the aches a little, but what I didn’t say was that on the days that I manage to lower myself into a bath, I always have a phone closely by in case I can’t pull myself back out. Oh, what a thought - I really dread it happening and would be so embarrassed. Once I’ve managed to clim...

When my consultant diagnosed me, he said that a lot of his fibro patients had a traumatic childhood too and he believed that there may have been a link between the two. It may be so, but I know that for a lot of fibro sufferers, they became ill after an accident, or a bad dose of flu, or surgery. My symptoms became intense after I went into hospital for a biopsy, but I believe that it had lain dormant from a young age and the surgery brought it to life.  How many of us, I wonder, have similar personality traits too. I am a very sensitive person and tend to put everyone else before myself - I always have and think that may be because I wanted people to be happy. I couldn't hurt anyone, because I learned from a young age how that feels. I've been told that I’m very loyal, generous, forgiving and honest. Unfortunately, I've been hurt by most of the people in my life and I had to learn to accept the apology I never received. I wanted peace in my life and that wouldn't be po...

 I mentioned in my last post that I have been looking through my notebooks and one to the things that struck me was how I mentioned my fibro almost daily and the way it was affecting me and how it was making a difference to my way of life. In my more recent journaling, I mention the fibro less often and write more about the events in my day and how grateful I am for the things that I've achieved during the day. I write about the things that  me smile or given a lift to my day - or not. If I've had a bad fibro day - and I often do - I write how it's slowed me down and how much longer everything has taken me, but I don't say how bad my pain has been. It's a strange thing, but I hadn't really noticed before that I was doing that - not consciously anyway. I take that as a more positive thing in that I'm looking to the good in my days and not to the bad and that makes a huge difference' Last week was quite a memorable one for me, but for mixed reasons.  I rec...

 Does the above quote sound familiar to you - it certainly does to me and almost every morning. It made me smile when I read it, because I thought to myself,  someone actually understands!  I've been going through my notebooks (and there are plenty) and I found this found at the top of one of the pages and was written several years ago. I feel so tired; my body so weary; I've been following memories, chasing dreams, And my thoughts don't make sense, Do I? Don't I? Will I? Won't I? Can I make a decision at all?    Oh Fibro, fibvro, please leave me alone. Fibromyalgia seems to affect everything I do. Sometimes, in a small way, but sometimes so huge I wonder if I can cope with it, but I'm still here and finding ways to accept it and flow with it when I can.  Long ago, I decided that I couldn't fight it and trying to wasn't helping me, so I talked to people; did lots of research, read books and realised that I had to be kind to myself - something I'm not...