Laugh and the world laughs with you; Cry and you cry alone.

-

 It’s six o’clock in the morning and I’m just finishing my first cup of coffee!  It still amazes me that I’m up at five thirty putting on the kettle! When I was working, I used to rise at six and take my wonderful collie for a walk before breakfast, but it was always a shock when my alarm woke me up so early. I worked full time then and my days were long - I still miss them though.

It was also another night of having the strangest dreams, some of which stay with me all day. I don't know if that is a fibro problem or an anxiety problem and anxiety is my constant companion and has been for as long as I can remember - my earliest recollection being at the age of three. I wasn't diagnosed until I was twelve when it was given as the cause of my IBS, so it's no stranger to me.

Since moving house, my anxiety has worsened and I feel sick, have panic attacks for no reason (or it seems) , and my coping techniques aren't helping. I've upped my meditation to three times a day, spend more time in the garden, exercise when I can and keep myself occupied as much as possible, so that my mind isn't racing. There is a lot in the media now about out mental health and how it helps to talk about how we are feeling and, if we can, why, but in my circle of friends and family, no one wants to listen or to even understand. In the last month, I've spoken about my anxiety and it's effects, but it's as if I haven't mentioned it. I'm not sure if people are uncomfortable with it, or think I'm seeking attention, but just someone saying they understand, or even they don't understand, might be better than just pretending I had said nothing. But then I do have fibro' and no one understands the struggles I have with that either - I look ok and so I must be! 

Am I complaining? I hope I don't come across as if I am - it's just something I live with as best I can, but it isn't easy and today I thought I would share. On the good side, and there is one, The most common words I use daily are 'thank you' and 'I'm so grateful', because I am. Not for the effort I have to put into every moment, but for everything I have and can do - the little things and the big things. When I go for a walk, I'm so grateful to hear the birds sing,hear the sound of the waves, to check the road to see if it's safe to cross, to smile at strangers and sometimes just say  Hello.  I take everything in just in case it’s my last walk - one day it will be and these simple moments in my day will become even more important to me. 

The heading quote on this post, is really true, isn’t it?  People don’t want to hear how well you don’t feel and it, therefore, becomes easier to smile and say nothing. That’s how I’ve tried to face life - looking for the smiles. I hope you can too.

Namaste


 

 



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