My Life - My Fibro

  I remember watching an episode of Loose Women in which Janet Street Porter was on the panel and she said something that surprised, but pleased me, in a way.  It was honest.  She said that as she gets older, something new drops off every day - meaning, I guess,  that she seems to have a new symptom, or health problem daily. And she doesn’t have Fibromyalgia! But it does sound familiar to me. This last few days have really challenged me and the mornings, especially, have been really hard and I think it’s during times when I feel so ill, that I miss someone being around. It’s one of those odd things, isn’t it?  Sometimes, all I want to do is be alone as I think I can handle it better, but I also miss someone being around to pop the kettle on, or distract me with their chatter, or just to give me a hug.   Near the end of August, I had a dose of Covid (or a dodgy test which was undecided) and I have struggled to shake it off.  On September 21st, I began w...

The above quote landed in my inbox today, but I have no idea where it came from or who might have sent it.  And it didn’t arrive once, but four times.  Now, is that divine intervention, or just someone up there keeping an eye on me.  I really mustn’t quit. In 2016, I lost two of the loves of my life.  In September, my partner died after a short illness, and in November, someone who has been by my side through thick and thin, died after a longer illness - that man was Leonard Cohen.  It’s been a lifelong love affair (and no, we’ve never met) and his songs have kept me going through tough times - times when I wondered if I could.  After losing my partner, I did wonder…… The last couple of days have really been an effort, especially the fatigue.  It’s been an effort to motivate myself to do anything, even just to clean my teeth, but my partner did; Leonard did; and so must I.  I was particularly reminded of the following poem - one of his later ones....

There was a time, before fibro,  when I loved to write and kept a journal regularly - needless to say I have quite a few now, though not many recent ones - I still write about my days, bit it’s very hit and miss. I’m not sure why.  Sometimes, I wonder if there was ever a time before fibro, but yes, there was,  and I know because my journals tell me so - they detail my days when my children were growing up, and the different jobs I was able to fit in with being a mum. They were busy days, but I was also dealing with unaddressed trauma and it was slowly taking its toll on me.  However, they say that a busy mind is a happier mind and it allowed me to shut out the things I didn’t want to see.  I guess, for some, having a blog is similar to keeping a journal and one that won’t be lost, and therefore, I must endeavor to add to it more regularly and detail my days - I might be glad of it one day. Emotions were my prompt today and since having fibro, I seem to be more s...

 I’ve never actually used those words, but I often say Tomorrow is another day, hoping it will be.  My brother who has terminal cancer, always says Tomorrow will be better, but I like this quote and use it to remind me that every day is a good day because I am still alive, when several of my friends are not. I’ve felt close to death many times and for different reasons and feel that I mustn’t waste a moment no matter how I feel. I still meditate daily with Insight Timer and one of my meditations is titled ‘Pain is a problem for the body, not the mind’. Having meditated for many years, and having had fibro for many years, I’ve tried to separate the two and though I realise that pain does not have to stop me smiling, it isn’t always that easy to  put it to one side.   Summer has actually arrived at last here in the UK and it is really hotting up. Luckily, I live by the sea and we often have a breeze, but it doesn’t give much respite from the heat at the moment.  I...

This week has been quite a week for me and an anxious one.  Since the pandemic and the lockdowns, my anxiety seems to have moved up a level, especially when I meet people or have to attend an appointment and it has a huge affect on my IBS. I always carry Imodium capsules with me in case of emergency, but they don’t always work and the side effects of taking them are not pleasant, so I do try to avoid them and they aren’t recommended for regular use for people with IBS. Anyway, to get to the point of my story, I had an appointment with a solicitor yesterday and wanted to attend, but my body had other ideas and I spent many hours in the bathroom; felt nauseous,  breathless and quite anxious about going - but why!!!  I feel as if my body has taken over and it has decided when I should be afraid. It’s when I feel like this, or when I have bruises on my body that will not heal, or when I become breathless when out walking, or when I wake up with headaches, or when my skin hurt...

The first thing I want to say is that I am not mad and I am not a hypochondriac. But you all know that, I hope. I only wish that my family and my doctor did! I still find it hard to understand why I can go to the doctor and tell him that I have migraine, or backache, and he will believe me, but when I describe the many strange symptoms I have, that belong to the fibro, he just puts me down as a neurotic woman. No, I am not!  The pain I feel is there! The burning, soreness and itching on my body is real! The pain that can be agony one day, might have moved to a different part of my body by the next day! Or a new pain may have joined it the next day! Or that my teeth and gums can be constantly sore and can be covered in ulcers one day and are gone a few days later. that I bruise for no reason and it can take months to heal, as does any injury that I have. Dare I even mention the number of times it feels as if something is crawling up my leg, but when I look there's nothing there....