“Don’t assume I’m weak because I have panic attacks. You’ll never know the amount of strength it takes to face the world every day’!

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This week has been quite a week for me and an anxious one.  Since the pandemic and the lockdowns, my anxiety seems to have moved up a level, especially when I meet people or have to attend an appointment and it has a huge affect on my IBS. I always carry Imodium capsules with me in case of emergency, but they don’t always work and the side effects of taking them are not pleasant, so I do try to avoid them and they aren’t recommended for regular use for people with IBS. Anyway, to get to the point of my story, I had an appointment with a solicitor yesterday and wanted to attend, but my body had other ideas and I spent many hours in the bathroom; felt nauseous,  breathless and quite anxious about going - but why!!! 

I feel as if my body has taken over and it has decided when I should be afraid. It’s when I feel like this, or when I have bruises on my body that will not heal, or when I become breathless when out walking, or when I wake up with headaches, or when my skin hurts to touch (and many other symptoms) that I do sometimes wonder if  it really is Fibro and not something else. I was doing some research yesterday and was surprised to find that the term for thinking a symptom might be something more serious, is called Health Anxiety, which is apparently another term for hypochondria. Does that make me a hypochondriac?  There are many adverts now on tv urging us to go to a doctor for advice if we have a new symptom, or if we don’t feel right, or if we are concerned, because it could be cancer and, yes, it could be, but it might not be. These ads are so frequent, that they almost make you think that every new symptom could be cancer and therefore cause health anxiety. That doesn't make you a hypochondriac. Or does it?

In the end, I did make it to see my solicitor and I felt very uncomfortable the whole time I was there and without good reason. She was pleasant and friendly and explained everything clearly, but I was glad to leave her office. Social anxiety is something I’ve suffered from since childhood and I understand why and though meditation, exercise, mindfulness and CBT therapy have helped, they haven’t cured. I’ve accepted that this is going to happen and that it’ll not kill me, even though it might be very unpleasant. I take deep breaths (box breathing usually) and use positive talk to myself. I think that most of us do this anyway and I’m not alone. 

I have to question whether my anxiety could also be linked to my Fibro. I have seen it listed as a symptom sometimes, but depression is also and they both could be caused by such a complex illness. 

Today, I’m feeling a little more settled, in tummy and mind, I’m happy to say and trying to blank out the embarrassment I was feeling through my appointment, but more so when I put my coat on to leave and couldn’t work out how to fasten the zip up! And I’ve done it many, many, times!

Of course, I left after saying “maybe I should make an appointment to prepare a Power of Attorney next” and we both laughed. I still walked home feeling very silly! 😂  

We have to be able to laugh, don’t we? 

Namaste



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