Write yourself out of the pain - that’s what diaries are for.

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When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, my consultant asked me about my childhood and believed that the abuse I received had contributed towards it.  I think he could have been right as I was diagnosed with IBS at quite a young age too. 

This is a a part of a page from one of my diaries and I have never shared it with anyone, but thought I’d share it here. 

‘Our journey through life is very different to someone else’s. We make the choices we make for different reasons, whether sensible or not. 

I know that people around me - family - have thought of me as a weak person, but I tolerated abuse in my marriage, for what seemed to me the safest choice and not just for me, but for those around me. I’ve shared little of the abuse that I’ve endured throughout life because I knew that others wouldn’t believe it, or couldn’t handle it.  People think ‘how could it have been so bad if I stayed’, but there was no help for me and I had two children to think about.

As a child, you can’t leave; how can you? Home wasn’t a happy place and I accepted my role. I was different. I didn’t know why and I didn’t dare to question; I just knew, and I became accustomed to the abuse and lack of affection.  I was so accepting of my role, that I took all the blame for anything my siblings did, and they let me; they knew that mum was always angry with me, so what difference would it make to me.  For me, it meant that I was protecting them from a possible beating and better that it  was me.

Finding this has made me realise that I was never weak, otherwise I wouldn’t have survived. Despite being uncomfortable around people, I studied hard, progressed in my career, supported my children through university and saw them graduate before fibro struck and I had to finish work. When I look back, I wonder how I came through it all, but I did and reading this short diary passage reminds me that I can be strong. I think everyone who is fighting their own battle - chronic illness or otherwise - is strong.  Being strong is sometimes the only choice we have.

I wish everyone to be well, pain free and happy.

Namaste



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