Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night if our lives……

 I was reading an article today about how important it is for your heart, to have a restful nights sleep, but we also know that that’s really hard to achieve - or is it just me!  Of course, the doctor will prescribe something and my something was amitriptyline along with an antidepressant.  Unfortunately, the amitriptyline left me so heavy headed that it was lunch time before I could lift my head up and that meant That I often didn’t make it into work.  I did give it a fair try, but I was a single mum with a house to run and a mortgage to pay and I needed to work. Luckily, I had a friend who often went on holiday to America and she brought me back some melatonin which was easily available over there. Also, Fibromyalgia was (and I believe, still is) more accepted in America too and she was able to bring back a video recording of someone giving advice on living with fibro and how to manage every day tasks such as hair washing, etc. I did find the melatonin much easier on me and I was able to take them and still get up for work which was a relief. They are much more accessible now, but I only take them when necessary, because I prefer to manage my health with alternative medicines and therapies.  I’m not saying that they would work for everyone, just that they helped me. 

Another problem I have at nights (and I’m beginning to dread going to sleep) is that I have the strangest dreams and nightmares. Whether that’s to do with fibro or not, I’m not sure, and the research is divided, however, I’ve always had strange dreams as far back as when I was fourteen and I would have the same nightmare every night and always awoke as I was about to get stabbed with a sword, by someone dressed in a knight’s armour. There was a lot of stress in my life at that time and that may have contributed. Sometimes, I write the dreams down before I forget and I don’t always remember them - but I do remember the nightmares.  Last night, I found it very hard to fall asleep and was up a few times in the night to go to the bathroom. Each time I returned to my bed, I put on a relaxation app, hoping to fall back to sleep and eventually did, maybe for an hour, but several times, I awoke in a panic, or in tears. One of them was quite confrontational, which isn’t me, and I was warning someone not to carry on driving a wedge between myself and my children, or I may be driven to violence and I’m not, or ever have been, a violent or angry person. I awoke with palpitations and actually thought I might be having a heart attack - I was up and walking around again in the Hope  of slowing my breathing down. Another relaxation app followed and I did my very best to fall asleep, knowing that a sleepless night wasn’t helping.  I eventually fell asleep at five thirty and awoke at six twenty five, in tears. I’ve always loved animals, and insects, and I dreamt that someone picked up my rabbit and threw it out of the window. I screamed and looked out, only to see my daughter looking down from her window across the road and saying she was going to throw her pet fox down after it. It would have ripped my rabbit to pieces and I begged her not to. At this point, my late partner hugged me and I awoke in tears, but still feeling that hug.  I wrote the dreams down, in the Hope of trying to make sense of them, but haven’t yet! 

Another problem that I’ve experienced since having fibro, is sleep paralysis and it’s the strangest and most terrifying experience.  It first began when I Was recovering from major surgery which was performed the year after I was diagnosed with fibro. I was struggling with sleep and my doctor advised me to take a nap in the afternoons, but never for longer than fifteen minutes and I began setting my alarm before settling down. It was after these naps, that I would wake up and feel literally paralysed. I was awake and aware, but my body wouldn’t move - couldn’t move - and I was also aware of someone being there and standing over me, pushing me down so that I couldn’t get up. I wouldn’t have, because I couldn’t move a muscle, but it was a very frightening feeling. The first time, was the worst, but I didn’t know what it was and hoped it was a nightmare type of thing - just me being my weird self.  After that, it happened every afternoon for the next few weeks and I found myself waking up from sleep and thinking to myself  “stay calm until the feeling has passed”, as I knew it would.  I don’t know anyone personally who has experienced this and it probably has nothing to do with having fibro, but I wanted to mention it just in case it happens to someone and, like me the first time it happened,  don’t understand what might be happening to them. It feels very real at the time, but it will pass. 

I’ve always found sleep a little scary, but I know how important it is and I try not to dwell on it. I can usually fall asleep fairly quickly which I’m thankful for (with the help of insight timer), but it’s the staying asleep that’s the problem. Though, to be completely honest, I’m also partly relieved to actually have woken up at all. I think fibro has a lot to answer for! 

So - dreaming may allow us to be safely, and quietly, insane, but it doesn’t help us to know that, when we’re in the middle of a crazy dream - it feels so very real at the time.  But, I am relieved to know that it’s safe! 

The above is just a hint of what goes on inside my head, and my life and my sleep pattern.  I really hope you all have a good night’s sleep, tonight and every night.

Namaste