A leap of faith!!
when I began writing this blog, I did it with the intention to share something of my day to day journey with fibromyalgia, but didn't allow for the exhaustion and head fog that follows me around! Of course, people tend to find a different reason for my confused days - age, etc., - but I know different and I really wish I had the words to convince everyone of that.
Another thing that happens, is that we try to carry on with life and stay independent and that doesn't always help, because we give the impression of being okay and not just to friends and family, but to doctors too.
I gave up speaking to my doctor about my health when he told me that Fibromyalgia didn't exist in Scotland ( where he had moved from) and there were no other patients at my practice who had been diagnosed with it. The NHS is wonderful and I've seen it working at it's worst and it's best and I know they can't always get everything right without the staff to do it, but having seen my partner struggling with the cancer that took his life and seeing how the medical staff treated him, I have less confidence in them than I have ever had. The worst thing is, that I will probably need their help one day and I can only hope that things have improved some by then.
I'm getting distracted again and it's so easy!
My days are as busy as my health will let them be, as I am preparing to move house. I will be downsizing, so need to be ruthless about what I keep, but my head doesn't want to deal with all that - how can it, after the trauma of the last sixteen months - I haven't dealt with that yet. People mean kindly when they tell me it's a new chapter, and it is, but I think we can only deal with so much stress at a time. That's where the fibro came from - keeping all my problems to myself and carrying on with a smile, until my body could no longer cope with the internal stress and it has to manifest somehow.
I often ponder (too much, I fear) on the role of our lives here and fate takes a hand, or karma, or choice, or is it just that life happens. Does it happen for a reason? If it does happen for a reason, as many think, then I must have been meant to have fibro', but why? Is it teaching me something? Am I paying for some wrong in a previous life? It has changed my life drastically and I often wonder where I would be if I hadn't woken up that day with fibromyalgia - but I do only wonder and I think that's natural.I have spent the last fourteen months in denial, I think, and now I have to face reality and accept that my loved one is not coming home and that this is my life I'm living and not someone else's. I do feel as if I've been living someone else's life and not my own. They do say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - so why don't I feel stronger? I get into a panic when anyone knocks on the door, or the phone rings, or something breaks down, but I understand why and that will help me to get through this.
Winter has arrived and it's freezing here. My muscles are slow in the mornings and it seems to last most of the day, but I am so very grateful for all the things I do have in my life, from the comfort of my adored cat, to the food I eat, the clothes I wear, a hot drink, the ability still to feed the birds in the garden - they give me purpose.
And I know that I still have much to live for.
Be kind to yourselves.
Namaste
Another thing that happens, is that we try to carry on with life and stay independent and that doesn't always help, because we give the impression of being okay and not just to friends and family, but to doctors too.
I gave up speaking to my doctor about my health when he told me that Fibromyalgia didn't exist in Scotland ( where he had moved from) and there were no other patients at my practice who had been diagnosed with it. The NHS is wonderful and I've seen it working at it's worst and it's best and I know they can't always get everything right without the staff to do it, but having seen my partner struggling with the cancer that took his life and seeing how the medical staff treated him, I have less confidence in them than I have ever had. The worst thing is, that I will probably need their help one day and I can only hope that things have improved some by then.
I'm getting distracted again and it's so easy!
My days are as busy as my health will let them be, as I am preparing to move house. I will be downsizing, so need to be ruthless about what I keep, but my head doesn't want to deal with all that - how can it, after the trauma of the last sixteen months - I haven't dealt with that yet. People mean kindly when they tell me it's a new chapter, and it is, but I think we can only deal with so much stress at a time. That's where the fibro came from - keeping all my problems to myself and carrying on with a smile, until my body could no longer cope with the internal stress and it has to manifest somehow.
I often ponder (too much, I fear) on the role of our lives here and fate takes a hand, or karma, or choice, or is it just that life happens. Does it happen for a reason? If it does happen for a reason, as many think, then I must have been meant to have fibro', but why? Is it teaching me something? Am I paying for some wrong in a previous life? It has changed my life drastically and I often wonder where I would be if I hadn't woken up that day with fibromyalgia - but I do only wonder and I think that's natural.I have spent the last fourteen months in denial, I think, and now I have to face reality and accept that my loved one is not coming home and that this is my life I'm living and not someone else's. I do feel as if I've been living someone else's life and not my own. They do say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - so why don't I feel stronger? I get into a panic when anyone knocks on the door, or the phone rings, or something breaks down, but I understand why and that will help me to get through this.
Winter has arrived and it's freezing here. My muscles are slow in the mornings and it seems to last most of the day, but I am so very grateful for all the things I do have in my life, from the comfort of my adored cat, to the food I eat, the clothes I wear, a hot drink, the ability still to feed the birds in the garden - they give me purpose.
And I know that I still have much to live for.
Be kind to yourselves.
Namaste
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