'The only way out is through'. Robert Frost.
I think today is the coldest day of the winter so far - I just can't seem to get warm today, even with four layers of clothing! I don't mind building up the layers and have plenty of cardigans for the job, but my hands and face are feeling quite cold!
But I'm not complaining, just saying :-)
I find it hard to believe that we're almost into the middle of February. where did the last few months go? I get up every morning (thank goodness) and go through the motions of the day, but I feel pretty much like a zombie - there is no joy inside. I still feel in awe at my first sight of the snowdrops, but my partner is no longer here to share that joy. I've been told that it gets easier; I've been told that it's common to feel guilty to be the one still alive; I make myself something to eat, but it has no taste; I begin to sort out his belongings and I find myself wailing at the thought of giving them away. I want him to live; to be alive - and yet, he is, because I think of him every minute of the day and keep him close in my heart. he is always here with me. Because of that, he still lives.
I'm sure there are lots of you with fibro who live alone - it's a difficult illness for us to understand, never mind others - and there are so many challenges. I have to call them that, so that I don't get too stressed out. calling them problems, somehow makes them harder to deal with. Since living alone, I've found it's often the simpler things that test me to the limits, because I haven't got the physical strength to do a lot of jobs required around the home and the garden. for example, it is really windy at the moment and it keeps blowing the garage door open and every time I go out and close it, it reopens. Deep breaths! I haven't got the muscle power to close it properly, so I have to find something to put against the door to stop it from opening, but it has to be something heavy. I can't lift anything heavy - it's catch 22, isn't it? It was snowing, blowing and feeling colder and I gave up for all of five minutes to take breath! Out side again and I looked for some large pieces of stone to prop against the door and dragged them along the pathway. It hasn't stopped the wind, but it has given it a bit of opposition and I don't need to venture out as often.
I realise that this isn't just a challenge for people with fibro, but anyone living alone, especially those with health problems and I do wonder how everyone manages .It's only ten o'clock in the morning and I've already had two loads of washing; fed my cat and the garden birds; spent time sorting out my garage door; had a yoghurt and a croissant, washed the dishes and I feel totally exhausted!
I'm lucky, I know, but how long can I push myself? Sometimes, I think I'm just pushing myself as a punishment, or as a way of blocking out the thoughts, but I know I am just doing what I know has to be done.
On the fibro side, I am having lots of foggy heads, lots of night sweats, lots of dreams, dropping things, lots more aches and pain, IBS flares and not so many smiles, though I am practising :-) I also know that I have to make every minute count, because I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
However I feel - whatever challenges are thrown at me - I'm not ready to give in yet!
I have lots more challenges ahead, but will save them for another day- I will let you know how I get on.
If you are still with me - Thank You. I wish you all a low pain, happy Sunday!
Love and Light,
Tina
But I'm not complaining, just saying :-)
I find it hard to believe that we're almost into the middle of February. where did the last few months go? I get up every morning (thank goodness) and go through the motions of the day, but I feel pretty much like a zombie - there is no joy inside. I still feel in awe at my first sight of the snowdrops, but my partner is no longer here to share that joy. I've been told that it gets easier; I've been told that it's common to feel guilty to be the one still alive; I make myself something to eat, but it has no taste; I begin to sort out his belongings and I find myself wailing at the thought of giving them away. I want him to live; to be alive - and yet, he is, because I think of him every minute of the day and keep him close in my heart. he is always here with me. Because of that, he still lives.
I'm sure there are lots of you with fibro who live alone - it's a difficult illness for us to understand, never mind others - and there are so many challenges. I have to call them that, so that I don't get too stressed out. calling them problems, somehow makes them harder to deal with. Since living alone, I've found it's often the simpler things that test me to the limits, because I haven't got the physical strength to do a lot of jobs required around the home and the garden. for example, it is really windy at the moment and it keeps blowing the garage door open and every time I go out and close it, it reopens. Deep breaths! I haven't got the muscle power to close it properly, so I have to find something to put against the door to stop it from opening, but it has to be something heavy. I can't lift anything heavy - it's catch 22, isn't it? It was snowing, blowing and feeling colder and I gave up for all of five minutes to take breath! Out side again and I looked for some large pieces of stone to prop against the door and dragged them along the pathway. It hasn't stopped the wind, but it has given it a bit of opposition and I don't need to venture out as often.
I realise that this isn't just a challenge for people with fibro, but anyone living alone, especially those with health problems and I do wonder how everyone manages .It's only ten o'clock in the morning and I've already had two loads of washing; fed my cat and the garden birds; spent time sorting out my garage door; had a yoghurt and a croissant, washed the dishes and I feel totally exhausted!
I'm lucky, I know, but how long can I push myself? Sometimes, I think I'm just pushing myself as a punishment, or as a way of blocking out the thoughts, but I know I am just doing what I know has to be done.
On the fibro side, I am having lots of foggy heads, lots of night sweats, lots of dreams, dropping things, lots more aches and pain, IBS flares and not so many smiles, though I am practising :-) I also know that I have to make every minute count, because I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
However I feel - whatever challenges are thrown at me - I'm not ready to give in yet!
I have lots more challenges ahead, but will save them for another day- I will let you know how I get on.
If you are still with me - Thank You. I wish you all a low pain, happy Sunday!
Love and Light,
Tina
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