Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyways.

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I’ve just realised that my heading is so similar to the one of my last post, but it resonates with me so much and has for a while now. I’m sure I’m not alone in having to remind myself that despite how much of an effort my days are, I can still sing. And I can still smile.

There has been a huge change in my life and lifestyle since my last post and I’m still asking myself if I’ve made a mistake and my answer is, to give it time. And give me time to heal. 

After losing my partner, I threw myself into paperwork, gardening, housework, sorting, etc. Anything to keep my mind occupied and stop me from going over things - things I couldn’t change. Looking back, I wonder how I coped with the pain, the fatigue and the grief, but somehow I did. 

Eighteen months after he died, I decided that the house and garden were too much for me and began thinking of moving. I also accept that I wanted to escape the pain of loss and the house reminded me of that.  Friends kept telling me it was too soon, and with hindsight, they were probably right.  

Property was limited in my budget and I bought a house off plan. My family thought a new build might be best because I wouldn’t have to worry about repairs for some time and I found myself being carried along with it, after all it wasn’t real - nothing was real anymore. And did it really matter where I lived? I realise now that I was still grieving, or maybe in denial, I’m not sure.

Fast forward seven years and here I am, still trying to find out where I belong, or who I am. I’m no longer needed as a daughter; no longer needed as a mum; no longer a wife; no longer an employee; no longer a carer.  And I’m dealing still with fibromyalgia and all it brings. Who am I? 

I’ve found that having a chronic illness, or a disability, can isolate you from people and with an illness like fibro, it’s sometimes easier to keep yourself to yourself than to be made to feel a fraud.  I accept that it’s classed as a neurological illness and in my case a result of childhood trauma,  but it doesn’t make the symptoms any less real. And there are many.

So, I’ve moved to an old cottage, in a new area where I know no-one and it’s going to be a challenge. 

I hope I’m up to it.

I’ll be keeping you updated.

Wishing you all as good a day as possible.

Namaste









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