Triggers....

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Life has been very hectic this last few weeks, as I have moved house. They say it's one of the most stressful things anyone can do and I totally agree! Moving with a chronic illness only increases that stress. It feels so frustrating when the head knows what needs doing, but the body will not play ball!
To cheer myself up, I bought myself a treat - a new bedspread and matching curtains - love them, but my bed has a rail on the end and I had to tuck in the end of the bedspread. Makes a tidy bed - and pretty - but doesn't move out of place and gives me restricted movement. It has made me think of my brother, who has had many health problems throughout his life, due to meningitis and hydrocephalus, and has been given many different drugs. One of the drugs reduced him to an almost cabbage like state; another left him frustrated and angry; another left him unable to think or to deal with life. During these 'spells', he was either in hospital, in an institution; in a locked room with a grill, or strapped to a mattress on the floor. My bedspread made me think of him, struggling to move. He was covered in bruises and it broke my heart.  I now have my pretty bedspread hanging over my rail and not tucked in - I can make that choice - he couldn't.
I think I have reached the point now where my 'spoons' have run out and pain and exhaustion is really setting in, but nothing I am feeling can compare to what my brother has been through and still endures - I am lucky.  
Growing up, was a very unhappy time for me and somehow, I knew that I didn't fit in and I knew that mum would rather that I had been ill and not my brother - I grew up with that feeling of guilt and carried it with me into adulthood. Abusive childhood - abusive marriage. Some say we choose our own path in life, but how as children, can that be?
I got on with life; never complained; smiled because I wanted to, enjoyed the wonder of everything; became a wife; a mum; a breadwinner; a friend - forever smiling through.
My consultant told me that 'forever smiling through', is not acknowledging and we need to do that to stay healthy, hence my fibromyalgia and IBS - -the stress is manifesting itself through my illness. 
We're strange creatures, aren't we?  If only I had know this throughout the years. Would I have behaved any differently? Probably not - I would still have smiled a lot; enjoyed the wonder of life and nature; felt sad at the hurt and pain of others and helped anyone I could along the way. I hope I've made a difference.
I began this blog talking about triggers - there are so many, aren't there? Music, pictures, smells, films - thank goodness! And 'thank you' to my lovely brother who has taught me so much about endurance.
I love you Frank xxx
Leaving a huge Hug for everyone who Might need one today :-) x


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